Big Primping

So there was a time in my life when I suffered from severely low self-esteem. It started during my college years. For several yearsI couldn't go anywhere without literally checking out every other girl in the room and comparing myself to her. Having low self-esteem, I always came up short. I was fatter, not as pretty or fun, my clothes were not as fashionable and I was sure they were smarter and happier than me. Seriously - not a good place to be. I should mention that I had wonderful friends who constantly tried to build me up and help me with my issues and looking back, I appreciate that so much.

Now I look at old pictures and wonder what the eff I was thinking. I was hot (and smart and reasonably fashionable)! I could have done whatever (and probably whoever) I wanted. But at the time, I was not able to see that.

Somewhere around my mid-20s my self-image start to improve. My wonderfully supportive and loving husband deserves a lot of credit for this. Plus, I think just aging, perspective and learning more about yourself (ok - maybe a little Prozac too) helps a lot in these matters. By the time I hit 30 last year, I was good with who I am - positives and negatives - and no longer playing sick mind games with myself.

Perspective, wisdom and a little bit of this helps too.

Until last night. An touch of those feelings came back and it was not fun for a few minutes there.
I was helping at an event - a local launch for an upscale skincare line. It attracted some of Des Moines society-types and whoa - did I feel like my 23-year-old self again.

Life in Iowa is pretty relaxed. You can get as dolled-up for things as you want, but it's certainly not expected in about 99% of social situations here - at least in my circles. When preparing for working this event, I pulled my hair into my semi-standard low ponytail, put my normal make-up on (for the SECOND time in one day) and put on a black suit with a plain gray top.

Oops. Granted, I was "the help" at this event so I didn't need to look glam but I was not expecting the beauty pageant I walked into. The ladies attending were perfectly styled, coiffed and confident. They're triceps were buff and size four dresses beautifully tailored. They greeted each other knowingly - they belonged. (Side note: all the ladies were very gracious and sweet. Any bad feelings were from my head.)

OK - not quite. But close. Source

 I felt frumpy and dowdy and....sad. Couldn't I have spent 15 more minutes getting ready? I should really start working on my appearance more. Should I get my lips done? And so went the pity party for just a little while.


I snapped out of it pretty quickly and faced my feelings. Could I probably spend a little more time with my hair and make-up? If/when I feel the need - sure. Do I need to? No. Most of the time it's just not something I want put much effort into. Could I afford to lose a few pounds and tone up? Sure, but that's something I'm already working on. If I had been better prepared for the audience, I would have cuted up my outfit, so no real issue there. But there's some element these ladies have that I just don't. It's a little bit of sexiness, a little bit of glamour and probably a little money. It's something I can't pull off.

I'm pretty and sweet and goofy and klutzy. I know how to have a good time and can hold my own. It all works for me. I'll never be able to pull of that sexy little edge. I thought about all of this quite a bit last night and a little bit today. And, I'm OK with not being able to look like those ladies. I'm also OK with wanting to look like them a little bit more. I know I'm great as I am and I'm living myself a pretty fantastic life.

Maybe if I end up running in high society circles someday, I'll have to work a little more on my glamminess (?). But in the meantime - maybe I'll just give my hair and make-up five more minutes of effort and see where that gets me.